My Happy Sadness

So, my last post was about a year ago.  This blog was supposed to be my happy place and since I was thrust into an unhappy place, I didn't see a way for me to continue without my writing becoming an instruction manual for how a woman could become the most pathetic, angry, sad and broken creature ever put on earth.  

My husband, who I have been with since I was 18, my first real boyfriend, the father of my children had an affair, my partner in life.........cheated on me.  Cheated on our family.  Cheated on our friends. Cheated on our dreams and goals.   Over the last year I have tried to reconcile with him, for myself and my children.  I have tried to reason with him, beg him, cried for him, pretended to be happy so he would like me again.......the list goes on.  But at the end of the day, he preferred his girlfriend named Ericka and not his wife named Erika.  Granted his girlfriend is/was somebody else's wife, but these are details that he doesn't seem to be troubled by.  

Initially I thought I would split my time between my happy blog, Life Look Book and an angry one, "Not The Girlfriend, Just the Wife".  I was going to lay every angry thing out in my angry blog, compartmentalize.  I thought I could keep all my emotions seperate and as long as I could vent, everything would be easier to deal with. That lasted all of two days before I was overcome with anger and grief, crumbled into myself and promptly forgot my password, including the password to the anonymous email address that I would need to retrieve my blog password.  

So here I am, living at my mother's house with my children. (This will not, can not last much longer.) Going to work.  Being my children's mother.  Trying to be more to them that I was before so they don't have time to become overcome by sadness. I've been so busy hating the person that I loved most in the world, wondering why I was so stupid as to trust him. All the while trying to maintain a sense of humor and not totally sink into a deep well of bitterness, sadness and anger.  Meh...I don't know how successful I have been in that area.  

In the meantime, I have missed the process of putting my blog together every week.  So, I decided that since this place is called "Life Look Book", shouldn't it also include a real look at life?  My plan at this point is to continue with "this" how it was and add in real life.  Hopefully, somebody finds some comfort in what I write, and if not, a link to a cute pair of shoes.

The Big Little Book of Happy Sadness by Colin Thompson