Coming Out of the Dark

Today is January 2nd and marks the completion of one full year of separation from my husband.  We are still not fully divorced, though for all intents and purposes we are through, now it's down to the dollars and cents of everything.  Without a doubt, this has been the most painful and dramatic year of my life.  Pure crazy.  But, I am glad that it is over.  The crazy isn't over, just the year.  I am in a better emotional place, but am not sure I can trust the peace that I feel.  I feel like 2011 will be about building my new life, coming out of my shell shocked state and being the "me" that I am free to be, because I don't have to temper myself to fit anyone else's expectations. I am now free to be who I fully and completely want to be.  But, I am a little scared.  What does that mean? Who am I really? So, I have some things in mind for this year's resolution list. (Yes, there is a list. I cannot limit myself to just one thing. I know it would be wise to focus on one change, but there is so much to do and so little life to do it in.)

Resolution List / 2011

-Learn to really live within a budget

-Take a class every month (something new and different but under $100 per lesson)

     -fly fishing

     -cooking

     -surfing

     -golf

     -drawing/sketching

     -clay turning

     -photography

     -trapeze

     -calligraphy/pointed pen

     -tap dancing

     -some sort of martial arts class (maybe Brazilian or....?)

-meditate daily/spend time with God (specifically set aside for this purpose)

-work on writing my story about what has happened in my life

-come up with a real plan and launch the catering business that I have been thinking about for years

I think it all comes down to living my life in a more deliberate way.  I don't want to be a person that can only live by appointment or who can't have pj days.  But I want to be sure that the life I lead is fun, happy and purpose filled.

Deal(ing) With This

So, the whole thing with separation and divorce is how to deal with...everything. For me, I need an ever changing list of distractions.  My iPhone has been key.  There are a ton of apps and games that have kept my ex-husband from getting a 2 a.m. phone call with a recap, of all my sacrifices and what a douchelord he is. Comedies (Not Romantic Comedies.) are key.  I have also found that I must NOT know what is going on in the world.  The news, politics, talk radio, periodicals, etc. - I just can't do it.  Everything somehow leads back to "him".  The foreign trade agreement that the United States has with China....will no doubt lead to me going on a rant about my ex-mother-in-law and how one sided I felt the relationship was.  So I don't know what is going on in the world, it's better for everyone.  One day I will be able to have an intelligent conversation, based on current events, but for now,  I need to stay clear of anything that will get me going.

But now, almost a year after I left, I am doing better.  I don't see him. I don't talk to him.  Nor do I want to see him or talk to him.  It's not that I feel like I would weaken in my resolve and want to get back together. I just don't like him or respect him, so we can't be friends.

In the meantime, I take classes, if I am invited to something, I am there. (Watching "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey is a must.)  Trying to keep the faith that things will get better has been difficult. (Watching "Facing the Giants" is another must.)  There are still moments where I form truly diabolical plans of destruction, but they are fewer and further in between.  Baby Steps. Baby steps.

 ("deal with this" stamp)

My Happy Sadness

So, my last post was about a year ago.  This blog was supposed to be my happy place and since I was thrust into an unhappy place, I didn't see a way for me to continue without my writing becoming an instruction manual for how a woman could become the most pathetic, angry, sad and broken creature ever put on earth.  

My husband, who I have been with since I was 18, my first real boyfriend, the father of my children had an affair, my partner in life.........cheated on me.  Cheated on our family.  Cheated on our friends. Cheated on our dreams and goals.   Over the last year I have tried to reconcile with him, for myself and my children.  I have tried to reason with him, beg him, cried for him, pretended to be happy so he would like me again.......the list goes on.  But at the end of the day, he preferred his girlfriend named Ericka and not his wife named Erika.  Granted his girlfriend is/was somebody else's wife, but these are details that he doesn't seem to be troubled by.  

Initially I thought I would split my time between my happy blog, Life Look Book and an angry one, "Not The Girlfriend, Just the Wife".  I was going to lay every angry thing out in my angry blog, compartmentalize.  I thought I could keep all my emotions seperate and as long as I could vent, everything would be easier to deal with. That lasted all of two days before I was overcome with anger and grief, crumbled into myself and promptly forgot my password, including the password to the anonymous email address that I would need to retrieve my blog password.  

So here I am, living at my mother's house with my children. (This will not, can not last much longer.) Going to work.  Being my children's mother.  Trying to be more to them that I was before so they don't have time to become overcome by sadness. I've been so busy hating the person that I loved most in the world, wondering why I was so stupid as to trust him. All the while trying to maintain a sense of humor and not totally sink into a deep well of bitterness, sadness and anger.  Meh...I don't know how successful I have been in that area.  

In the meantime, I have missed the process of putting my blog together every week.  So, I decided that since this place is called "Life Look Book", shouldn't it also include a real look at life?  My plan at this point is to continue with "this" how it was and add in real life.  Hopefully, somebody finds some comfort in what I write, and if not, a link to a cute pair of shoes.

The Big Little Book of Happy Sadness by Colin Thompson