Coming Out of the Dark

Today is January 2nd and marks the completion of one full year of separation from my husband.  We are still not fully divorced, though for all intents and purposes we are through, now it's down to the dollars and cents of everything.  Without a doubt, this has been the most painful and dramatic year of my life.  Pure crazy.  But, I am glad that it is over.  The crazy isn't over, just the year.  I am in a better emotional place, but am not sure I can trust the peace that I feel.  I feel like 2011 will be about building my new life, coming out of my shell shocked state and being the "me" that I am free to be, because I don't have to temper myself to fit anyone else's expectations. I am now free to be who I fully and completely want to be.  But, I am a little scared.  What does that mean? Who am I really? So, I have some things in mind for this year's resolution list. (Yes, there is a list. I cannot limit myself to just one thing. I know it would be wise to focus on one change, but there is so much to do and so little life to do it in.)

Resolution List / 2011

-Learn to really live within a budget

-Take a class every month (something new and different but under $100 per lesson)

     -fly fishing

     -cooking

     -surfing

     -golf

     -drawing/sketching

     -clay turning

     -photography

     -trapeze

     -calligraphy/pointed pen

     -tap dancing

     -some sort of martial arts class (maybe Brazilian or....?)

-meditate daily/spend time with God (specifically set aside for this purpose)

-work on writing my story about what has happened in my life

-come up with a real plan and launch the catering business that I have been thinking about for years

I think it all comes down to living my life in a more deliberate way.  I don't want to be a person that can only live by appointment or who can't have pj days.  But I want to be sure that the life I lead is fun, happy and purpose filled.

What to do now?

I have heard over and over again that the poor state of the economy is an opportunity for reinvention and new possibilities.  I believe it but where do you start? Another favorite statement is that we are all supposed to live with passion.  Ugh, the pressure! Passionate reinvention that will pay the bills? It is all so overwhelming. All the while, we are supposed to "brand" ourselves and google research our names and become our own P.R. agent to get a job where everything is possible.  So I am branding myself as who, to whom and to do what?  The thought alone makes me want to become a passionate sleeper.

The Industrial Revolution gave us many things but these decisions were easier when you were a farmer if your father was a farmer or a blacksmith if your father was a blacksmith.  Now, we live in cities and suburbs, buy more and more stuff, drive cars that have the power of 95 horses under the hood (instead of 2 horses that pull the family wagon), go to supermarkets to buy organic food (instead of growing or raising it), live in houses that are hundreds of square feet more than we use (especially since we are hardly at home - we are out finding our purpose and joy), etc.  (The argument can be made that indoor plumbing makes all the "advancements" worthwhile.)  Now we hear daily updates about layoffs, threats of layoffs, banks doing what they do and politicians doing what they do.

Where do I go from here?  Where is this magical, fulfilling, purposeful and passionate place that we are supposed to live in?  Oz?  Wonderland?  My money is on Candyland, isn't there a chocolate waterfall?